Growing up as the fat girl, there was nothing people could say or do to make me believe that beauty was nothing short of your outer appearance. After being belittled, tortured, and just all around kicked while I was already down- I started to accept the idea that being overweight meant you were the scum of society. To be honest, things haven’t changed much since I was a child.
After moving my way into adulthood I continued to receive ridicule, but it was more on a “ever so often” basis. There is nothing worse than someone pulling over while you’re enjoying a coffee with your friend, only to tell you how ugly you are and how much you need to lose weight. The worst part is that this can happen on ANY day of the week-even a day where you woke up with a thought that maybe, just maybe you would have a positive outlook on life and enjoy the fact that you were alive and still have that “pretty face” to go with your disgusting figure.
Sadly, the events of people pulling over or even saying it blatantly to your face still occur and still have that negative effect on my self esteem. Though I feel out of place in this world, my artistic expression has always given me a way to escape the reigns of society and prove that I am so much more than the “fat girl” sitting on the sidelines.
My tattoos represent what I have felt and gone through in my life. The things that I have difficultly explaining through words have found a permanent place on my body, to remind me of where I came from and just how far I’m willing to go in order to get better. They serve a purpose to me and are a constant reminder of how much I love myself-even if my self loathing takes over for the day.
My wrists are a reminder through script that my family will always hold a place in my heart. My grandmother, may she rest in peace, left behind several letters in which I grew tired of reading because it just brought on happy, but sad memories. Her handwriting sets a permanent, yet positive message on my wrist reading, “Love you, Grandma.”
My left wrist reads “significance,” to recall how close my brother and I once were and how although he doesn’t speak to me much, I still hold the memories of being a child. The significance of my past will hold true to my heart forever.
Sometimes people call me a walking lyric, which I suppose is true. Writing my life story down in words feels so much more real to me than looking at photographs on my body. My upper left arm is a perfect example of a permanent reminder, reading “Never broken.” I will never let someone break my pride as much as people have in the past.
Last but not least, the dragonflies that reside on my chest and back signify my love for music and hope that a band had given me in my adolescent years. I have been made fun of for these tattoos due to it being viewed as the “typical band” tattoo, but Coheed & Cambria has done so much more for me than one could imagine. Their lyrics and story line that I’ve followed since I was in middle school have touched my heart and gave me something to relate to.
Society’s standards have always told me that if I was even remotely overweight and/or have some sort of modification on my body, there was a problem. After being constantly ridiculed people can truly set it in your mind that those statements are true. This is a sad truth that I have lived with my entire life and I absolutely refuse to continue feeling this way.