Tattoos mean something completely different to everyone who has them. For me tattoos are symbols of life, the things we go though, the passions we have, our faith, our hope, our trials. Tattoos are my way of wearing my scars on my sleeve so to speak. That’s really all a tattoo is essentially, a beautiful scar. My scars run deep.
It’s been seven years now since I got my first tattoo. It actually started in 2005 when I was seven months pregnant with my son Xander. I went in for a routine ultrasound and they told me they had to do an emergency c-section because my son was dying inside me. He was born July 14th 2005, weighed less than a pound and lived for two weeks before we decided to take him off life support. I died that day with him. For the year that followed I was beyond destroyed as a person. I struggled to do the simplest things like just leave the house. One day I realized that even though he was gone I was still alive and it was then that I decided to live my life for him. On what would have been his first birthday, I got my first tattoo. It’s very simple just his full name surrounded my rune stones symbols that correlated with him and his birth and the aftermath of his death. After that I was hooked.
With renewed hope for life and all it had to offer I came up with the idea for my second tattoo. It is the river flowing around my right forearm with Japanese writing floating on the water’s surface. The water represents the ever flowing and constantly changing current of life. The writing says “Shiawase o Sagashite” which means “Seek for Happiness”. One day I would like a full waterfall flowing down my arm fueling the river. This tattoo I started on Xanders second birthday and finished on my birthday of that year.
As I had continued to rededicate myself to living a full life, I came up with the flames that adorn my left arm and surround Xanders tattoo. I started this tattoo on Xanders third birthday and finished on my birthday that year. As I said, I felt like I died with him that day and it’s still a constant struggle to continue living. These flames represent his dying and my spiritual death. One day a beautiful Phoenix will be released from those flames and I will be reborn of those flames, however I don’t think I’m there yet.